Missouri Loves Company...Just Not Mine

Okay, so here it is. The reason why I wasn't looking forward to going to Missouri (and now don't have to and I'm surprisingly upset by it). It's a very long story, but I have a lot to say...

My dad, sister and I were going to Missouri next week to see and meet my dad's mother. I say "meet" because I've never met this woman my entire life and neither has my sister. My dad had a very harsh relationship with his mom and, when he was 17, left home to live with his aunt (his dad's sister) and soon after joined the Army when he turned 18. From the moment he left home, he never saw or spoke to his mother ever again.

Flash back to when my parents were married and I was about 4 years old...

My mom wrote a letter to my dad's mother, telling her that even though she hasn't seen or spoken to my dad in several years, she wanted her to know that he was married now and that they have a daughter (me). My mom told her that she understands if she doesn't want to communicate with my dad, but that she would like it very much if she would have a familial relationship with me since she was my grandmother. My mom enclosed a picture of me and mailed the letter. About a month later she received a letter back from my dad's mother. She had written my mom a very odd letter, basically saying that my mom didn't understand and that she wasn't in a position to open that door again and didn't really want anything to do with my dad, including me. Along with the letter she wrote to my mom, she returned the picture of me because she didn't want it. My mom didn't tell me this story until I was 15 years old. At that time, I didn't really care. It didn't bother me. As far as I was concerned, I already had a grandma on my dad's side (my grandpa's 3rd wife) and she was the only grandma I'd ever known since I was born. I should note here, however, that my dad isn't close to her or my grandpa either (I know, he has issues). However, I have a very close bond my grandpa. :)

Fast forward to last year, July 2007...

After Geoff and I returned from our trip to Alaska, my mom told me that, after 38 years, my dad finally spoke to his mother. They connected through my dad's half-brother (who hadn't seen my dad since he was 10 years old). I called my dad to find out what happened and I could hear in his voice how excited and happy he was. This made me happy too. He said that she asked about me and wanted to know about my sister. At this point, it hit me. Up until now, she never knew my sister even existed. For some reason, this really pissed me off. I tend to get defensive when somebody insults my sister (despite the fact that I do it all the time), but I felt this was beyond insulting. This triggered a whole bunch of other bitterness that I was shocked I had in me. I was angry for her not knowing about my sister, I was angry that it was my dad who had to call her and not the other way around, and I was angry that she sent my picture back that my mom sent her when I was 4. I kept all this inside of course, not wanting to ruin my dad's happiness and reconciled family.

For several months after, my dad would always update me and my sister on the phone calls he would have with his mother, his sister (who he hasn't seen for about 25 years) and his half-brother. Then, this past January, he tells us that his mother and his sister are coming out to California to visit and to not make any plans the third weekend of February. He goes on to say that he's going to have a limo pick them up from the airport and that we were all going to get dressed up and celebrate by eating at some expensive restaurant in L.A. My sister and I expressed that we would feel a little awkward, but that we would go for him. My dad hasn't had a family-family for many years, and I know how happy this was going to make him. He and my mom divoriced when I was 12 and, since then, my sister and I had been the only family he had.

February rolled around and soon it was the third week. Three days before my dad's mother and sister were to arrive, I get a phone call from my dad telling me that they weren't going to be able to make it out afterall because "other things came up." I could hear the disappointment in my dad's voice and this made me even more angry at his mother (FYI, I don't feel right calling her my "grandmother"). Deep down inside, I knew they weren't going to come. Really, I knew. But what made me angry was how hopeful my dad sounded. My dad isn't one to give anybody benefit of the doubt, including his own children. However, he willingly and freely gave it to his mother when she cancelled her visit. Willingly. I knew that was going to be a mistake.

Two months later, my dad ended up flying out to Missouri to see his family for the first time after 38 years. He asked my sister and I to go with him, but I told him that it would be better to have his moment first and then my sister and I would eventually go after he got his stuff with them out of the way. When he returned from his trip, he was so happy and didn't stop talking about it for three weeks. It was weird to see my dad act so giddy. I'm so used to him being the strict, sometimes pessimistic, military man. Nonetheless, it was a nice change to see in him.

Fast forward to September (two months ago)...

My dad tells my sister and I that he wants the three of us to fly out to Missouri for Thanksgiving. He told us to get the time off because he was buying our tickets in the next couple weeks. I hesitated and my sister argued not to, but we gave in. (A funny side note: my dad initially got mad that we didn't want to go. He said, "What the hell? You know, when your mother wanted you guys to go to Japan to see her relatives, you couldn't wait to go, you were so damn excited." My response was, "You have to be joking. We weren't excited because we were seeing relatives...we were excited because it was JAPAN! I'm sorry we're not peeing our pants over Kansas City, Missouri.")

Every week since then, my dad kept saying that he was going to buy the tickets, but kept putting it off. At one point, I was pretty sure we weren't going at all. My dad has a nasty habit of saying he'll do something and won't follow through with it. Then, about a month ago in October, my dad calls to tell me that he bought the tickets and will give me a copy of the flight itinerary. I was surprised and a little disgruntled. Surprised because he did buy the tickets, but disgruntled because I didn't really feel like going. I was starting to get bitter about the fact that, after more than a year of communicating with my dad, his mother still hadn't tried to contact me or my sister, either by phone, letter or email. Not even a card, and by this time Christmas, my birthday and my sister's birthday had all passed -perfect occasions to send at least a card or some form of communication (let me reiterate that I said "card," not "present" like some people think I mean).

Between the time my dad had first visited back in April, until recently, he would always talk about how his mother is going to be spoiling my sister and I when we visit for Thanksgiving. "She's going to be buying you guys a lot of stuff, just so you know" or "She's probably going to buy a Cadillac Escalade just so she can fit all of us in the same car to go shopping." He'd say odd things like that. It sounded weird to me. I didn't take him seriously and neither did my sister. It just sounded like a bunch of crap. My sister and I felt that -even though we're never ones to turn down a free shopping excursion- if this was her way of making things up to us, she was going about it the wrong way.

Now fast forward to today, this morning...

Every other day, my dad kept going over our plans of what we're going to be doing in Missouri. He also kept asking my sister and I if we were getting excited as the day of our departure neared. And he also kept asking us to recite our flight schedule to him by memory. He did this because he was excited and was looking forward to all of us being together. Come to think of it, this was really going to be the first trip that my dad, sister and I were taking all together. Over the last couple weeks, my sister and I began buying winter clothes, since it's cold there right now, and my sister went out and bought new luggage, since she had none of her own. We were making a mental packing list. Good thing we hadn't actually packed yet...

This morning, I get a call from my dad around 6:30 am. I was still half-asleep, so I didn't answer the phone, but could hear the jingle my phone played when I had a new voicemail. An hour later, I got up, took a shower and got ready for work. I went into my sister's room to ask her something and we ended up talking about our trip next week. She showed me her new travel bag and, after talking a little more about our trip, we were kind of getting a teeny bit excited about going. I went back to my room to dry my hair. After I finished drying it, my sister yelled down the hall for me to come to her room. When I walked in, she had her cell phone pressed to her chest. She said, "Dad's on the phone and wants to talk to you. We're not going to Missouri." I took the phone and listened as my dad said that his mother was "feeling ill" and that she wouldn't be able to come up to his sister's house to be with us for Thanksgiving. You see, we were going to stay at my dad's sister's house in Kansas City. Apparently, my dad's mother (and I didn't know it until that moment) lives a 7-hour car drive away. She was supppose to drive up and stay at his sister's house with us too while we were there. My dad continued on to tell me that he didn't want to be spending the majority of our trip in the car, driving 7 hours back and forth between his mother, his sister and his half-brother's houses. He said that our airline tickets would be good for about a year and that we could try going again in the Spring. I said it was alright, not to worry about it and that we'll go another time. My sister argued that we should still go so that we could pull a "in your face" to my dad's mother. She said that if we went, we would be showing her that we didn't care if we saw her or not. I told my sister I didn't want to waste a plane ticket on feeling spiteful.

After a few minutes, the feeling I was having took me by surprise. Out of all things, I was feeling hurt. At first I thought my feelings were hurt, but that wasn't it. It was that I knew my dad's feelings were hurt and this hurt me and immensely pissed me off. How could this woman do this again? This is the second time now. Saying that she wasn't feeling good was a poor excuse. She somehow knows that she's not going to be feeling good later in the next week too?? Come on. Bottom line: she's uncomfortable meeting us and doesn't really care to. It doesn't matter to me; I could care less. However, she keeps jerking my dad around and, frankly, nobody pulls shit like that on my dad. She has caused nothing but disappointment for my dad, heartache for me, and inconvenience for my sister. My sister had to practically beg the restaurant she works at to give her the time off to fly out there for Thanksgiving. Now, she's missing out on the busiest money-making days and all for absolutely nothing. What's even more pathetic is that I know that my dad's mother won't ever bother to pick up the phone to call us and apologize for our trip not working out. I'm sorry to say that all I know about this woman is that she's selfish.

I'm sure some of you are asking, "Why don't YOU call her, Amy??" My answer is that I've already tried to contact her indirectly through my mom. Sure, I was only 4 at the time, but it was put out there that she had a granddaughter that would love to meet her...but she rejected it. From then, the ball was always in her court. I can't force someone to talk to me who made it perfectly clear that they didn't want to -and, to me, still doesn't want to. What gets me though is my dad's happiness. All he wants is for all of us to be together, in the same place, and do family stuff. But, for some ignorant reason, she won't let it happen. Something about me and my sister, she just doesn't care to know us right now. If it weren't for my dad, I would easily just brush her off.

Let me say that I have good instinct about people. Everyone in my family tells me this. I read people very easily, which is why I'm good at the type of work I do. Back in February, when my dad's mother was supposed to visit for the very first time and cancelled at the last minute, I knew she would be like this. I knew that whatever crap my dad was saying about her wanting to "spoil" me and my sister was either a flat-out lie she was telling my dad, or my dad was making it up to cover-up for her non-enthusiasm of wanting to meet us. I knew from almost the beginning that she has no interest in meeting us. If she was that eager, it would've happened already. After my dad delivered the news to me this morning, I really had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "I told you so." Yes, I have good instinct about people. However, for my dad's sake, I wish I was wrong this time.

So now what am I doing for Thanksgiving, you ask? Well, I'm going to cook Thanksgiving dinner for me, my dad and my sister. After dinner we'll probably go see a movie. The next day we'll go shopping to find some "Black Friday" deals. Then over the weekend, I'll probably be driving up to Sacramento with Geoff to visit his extended family. If I play my cards right, I might get Geoff to stop off in San Francisco for a little while to visit my once home.

As of right now, I'm almost over my hurt and anger and I'm starting to feel a little relieved we're not going to Missouri anymore. Hopefully, my dad is feeling the same way.